Swimming in Jell-O

Originally uploaded by Blue Dragonfly Girl

Yesterday evening I went into the hostel kitchen to look for a napkin to clean up some tea I'd spilled.

There was a guy in there washing some dishes and he looked up at me expectantly. I wanted to say, "I'm just looking for a napkin," but my mind went completely blank and I couldn't for the life of me remember the word. So, I looked around the room -- with him continuing to stare at me. I didn't see what I was looking for and left without saying anything, laughing at my own awkwardness.

I've been reading the blogs of my classmates who are also interning in non-English speaking countries and by comparison, my situation is pretty tame. I mean, at least I can read the script that the street signs are written in. Not only that, but I speak and read Portuguese pretty well. It's not where I'd like it to be, but it'll get there. Besides, people generally understand me when I'm speaking and I generally understand them. And we can have really interesting conversations about all sorts of things. It's fun and exciting and sometimes I catch myself purely enjoying the different sounds I get to make in this language. The different words I get to form and the different meanings I get to express.

Still, it does feel a bit like swimming in jello. It's a bit of a struggle but it can be done though it's harder and much less elegant than in water. At the same time it can be fun and silly if I can just laugh at myself.

Sometimes I find myself listening to a person, understanding at least the sentiment of what they're saying, but realizing that if I stop paying attention for just one second, I will be totally lost, floundering, unable to pick up the thread of the conversation. It reminds me how in my native tongue, I probably spend a lot of time only partially listening to people. I'm listening but I'm thinking my own thoughts at the same time, perhaps making a grocery list in my head. It's not that I'm intentionally being rude, it's just that because I don't have to try, I don't always put all my energy into every conversation that I have.

But here, I have to. I have to pay complete attention. Perhaps this actually helps in the friend-making process because people can feel that I am very present in the moment with them, trying my damnedest to understand what they are saying.

It also becomes funny though when I am left without the details. When the word just isn't there and I don't know how to explain something simple. When I forget how to say 'napkin' or that my throat feels 'sensitive.' Or when someone standing next to me at the bank or in the elevator tries to make small talk. They say something, usually in slang or too quickly for me to understand, and I stand there trying to contemplate if this "thing" that they said was supposed to something funny? Was it a joke? Was it a question they were asking me? How do I respond? Should I just smile knowingly and nod my head? But, what if they were saying something serious and then they think I'm being rude? And then I have usually taken so much time in this contemplation that saying anything back to them is kind of like laughing at a joke three minutes later...Do I pretend I didn't hear them? Do they think I'm ignoring them? Ai, yai, yai.

Yesterday when I was walking back to the hostel a woman came up to me asking me questions. Perhaps it was about the construction nearby. Perhaps it was about directions to some place? I didn't know. She looked at me plaintively.

"I don't know," I said quite truthfully in Portuguese. She looked at me without speaking. I looked at her. I think she understood my cluelessness. She moved on.

Ahhh, swimming in jello.